Firsts

One of the most delightful times in my life have been witnessing firsts, those moments you look upon with pride, amazement, joy…

For me it has been with my two sons, as it was, I imagine, for my mom with her children. From the sound of first heartbeats to the echos of first cries when entering the world; from first coos to first words; from first roll overs to first steps; from first smiles to first belly laughs; from first kisses to their first loves. Every moment observed with love and stored into our memory banks to reflect on as tone passes by.

As an older parent of two boys with a 6-year age gap between them, I’m also in this unique situation where not only am I experiencing some firsts for my youngest, but I’m also experiencing some lasts with my oldest and man is it bittersweet. Furthermore, there is yet a new stage of firsts, one which no one has prepared me for.

I lost my mom three months ago after a long battle with Alzheimer’s disease. For those that have witnessed someone going through this disease, you know too well the struggle of losing someone piece by piece a little more as each year passes. For my mom, the last five had been the hardest, most progressive. Despite that recurring loss, losing her completely, when she passed, blindsided me with such a permanent emptiness..

It’s especially difficulty to navigate during the holidays. With a 12-year old who is on the border of wanting to still believe, and an 18-year-old back from his first year at college, all I want is for them to continue to relish in the spirit and the glory of the season. Where time with family is a priority. Where joy and happiness whisper in your ears. Where laughter lingers in your home. Where gratitude and forgiveness fill your heart.

But how do you achieve this when you are trying process grief? It’s the first time that I’ve had to take a sacredly happy and joyful season and mix it with the solemn effects of utter heart break and emptiness.  Trying to balance peace and happiness with grief and sadness during the time when we have traditionally surrounded my mom with our love and presence… yeah that’s tough. Knowing we don’t have another moment with her in the physical sense. Contemplating over the last moments spent with her: should I have stayed a little longer, embraced her a little harder, made her laugh more?

So much tugging from the mind to the heart strings. I know her spirit is with us and her lessons are in the DNA of me, my siblings and our kids. I know that If I search hard enough, I can feel her all around. I know that if I just remember, she will feel close. I know that she would prefer that we celebrate her and not grieve. But for me, right now in this moment, that’s not enough to get me through. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad she can rest peacefully now but damn this world needed her longer … WE needed her longer. And Christmas just isn’t going to be as merry without her. Point blank.

But, we will get through this new stage of firsts. One day, one moment, one breath at a time. A set of new steps built off the series of lasts that we had with her. 

The circle of life… both marvelous and bittersweet.